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Last update Jan 2024

 

Jersey

March 24

Website administrator Maurice R. Troy

If you have any comments you would like to add about anything on this website please contact the website administrator.

 

 

 

maurice@troyfamily.co.uk

These are light hearted Snippets for your pleasure.

Note:

 

My new troyfamily co.nz

 

 web site has started .

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An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a pond in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

 

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

More bits and pieces

 

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Jersey.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same  little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Sir, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

 

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

 

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.   They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

 A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and could just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem, how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
 The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

 "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,  a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
 

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

THE BATHTUB TEST

 

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help to get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

 

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.

 Do you want a bed near the window?”

 

An elderly Jersey man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the  kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.  Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Jersey wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted.

 He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

 "P*ss off” She said, "They're for the funeral"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

This will make you think twice the next time you use a cliché, especially
'graveyard shift' and 'saved by the bell'!
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the Water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it – hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." (No wonder the child mortality rates were sky high in those days!)
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread threshed straw on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way - hence, a "thresh hold." In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while-hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 40 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... (Who said that History was boring)?

 

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist".

Jersey's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Jersey search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

            

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

            

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

 

Directory Enquiries:

 

Caller:   "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller:   "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off"

 

 

.On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

 

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

 

The Bank:

Caller:   "I would like to borrow $2,000 please".

 

Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?"

 

Caller:   "Three years, please".

 

Operator: "OK, sir. That will be $75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?"

 

Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

 

RailTrack Enquiries:

Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"

Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

 

 

Computer Capers:

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer:     "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer:     "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: :No  Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer:  "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".

Customer:     "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

 

Another caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

 

At 80 years old, Don went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "Don, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?

Don replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof) the light goes on, when I'm done (poof) the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Don's wife. "Jean," he said,” Don is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through (poof) the light goes off?"

 

Jean exclaimed, "Oh, my god!! He's pissing in the refrigerator again

"Free Fill Up"

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase
it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free
Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank,
and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10),
if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no
sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy,
Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his
free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same
story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the
proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close,
but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his
buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't
really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't
Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

 

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
 His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
 The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
 "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
 "Yes," he answered.
 Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
 teaching my son in maths?"
 The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
 The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
 of a bitch is four?"
 After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
 "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."